A toxic relationship doesn’t always involve someone else—it can exist within you. How you treat yourself sets the foundation for navigating the world, influencing your happiness, relationships, and overall well-being.
What exactly constitutes a toxic relationship with yourself, and how can it impact various aspects of your life?
A toxic relationship with yourself often shows up as negative self-talk, low self-esteem, and unhelpful coping mechanisms, many of which can be rooted in childhood trauma. These ingrained patterns serve as protective barriers that you adopt subconsciously, acting as a coping strategy, much like the involuntary act of breathing.
This internal conflict affects how you see yourself and spreads into every area of your life. It influences the types of people you attract and with whom you create relationships, often leading you to find friends and partners who mirror your inner struggles. It can impact your choices, such as how you talk, carry yourself, present yourself to the world, and even your professional relationships.
Have you ever observed a recurring theme where you consistently attract the same type of people, whether friends or romantic partners? This cycle can directly reflect the toxic relationship you hold with yourself, indicating that the patterns of your inner dialogue and self-worth might be shaping your external circumstances.
For much of my life, I thought I wasn’t good enough. As a teenager and even a young adult, I struggled to connect with boys, assuming they wouldn’t want to speak to me because I believed I had nothing interesting to say. This belief held me back and created a barrier between who I was and wanted to be.
Instead of addressing these feelings, I turned to food. Binge eating and pushing down my emotions with food became a toxic coping mechanism, adding to my negative self-image. I was afraid to be me—to embrace who I was – not even knowing who I was—and it kept me trapped in a cycle of self-doubt and emotional avoidance.
Breaking free from this toxic relationship with myself wasn’t easy, but it was life-changing. I have learned to become aware of my poisonous patterns, talk kinder to myself meaningfully, hang my inner dialogue, and find healthier ways to process my emotions. It’s a journey I’m still on, but every step has brought me closer to self-acceptance and freedom.
You might be asking what steps I can take to identify and break free from the patterns of attracting toxic relationships.
6 Signs You’re in a Toxic Relationship with Yourself
1. You Constantly Put Yourself Down
When your inner voice is filled with criticism, judgment, or harsh words, it signifies a toxic self-relationship. Phrases like “I’m so stupid” or “I can never do anything right” don’t help—they erode your self-esteem and self-worth over time.
The good news? You can change this inner dialogue. By practising supportive and encouraging self-talk, you can replace those negative statements with ones that build you up. Imagine the relief and confidence that come from being your own biggest cheerleader.
2. You Set Unrealistic Expectations for Yourself
Do you expect perfection from yourself, even when it’s impossible to achieve? Holding yourself to unattainable standards is a fast track to disappointment and self-criticism.
Instead, aim for realistic goals that challenge but don’t overwhelm you. Celebrate progress rather than perfection, and remind yourself that mistakes are opportunities to learn, not proof of failure. Allow yourself the grace to be human—it’s one of the most empowering things you can do.
3. You Refuse to Take Responsibility for Your Feelings
Blaming external circumstances or others or for your feelings may feel effortless, but it keeps you stuck. You give away your power to create change when you refuse to own your emotions.
Taking responsibility for your feelings isn’t about self-blame—it’s about self-empowerment. By taking responsibility, you can take ownership of your emotional reactions and gain the strength and ability to make better choices that align with your happiness.
4. You Engage in Negative Self-Talk
The way you unconsciously speak to yourself matters. Constantly feeding your mind critical put-downs, being pessimistic, or having cynical thoughts poisons your outlook and decreases your confidence.
Commit to reframing negative thoughts into constructive ones. For example, replace “I’ll never get this right” with “I’m learning, and every attempt gets me closer to success.” Treat yourself with the kindness and patience you would extend to a friend.
5. You Don’t Practice Self-Care
When you’re in a toxic relationship with yourself, it’s easy to neglect your own needs and not make self-care a priority. But remember, not giving yourself adequate downtime, relaxation, healthy food, sleep, and exercise is a clear sign of undervaluing yourself. You deserve nurturing and regular refreshments because you are worthy. Make self-care a priority. You deserve to feel valued and refreshed because you are worth it.
6. You Seek Validation from Others
Do you rely on others’ approval to feel good about yourself? While compliments and praise can feel uplifting, basing your self-worth on external validation creates emotional highs and lows.
The most important validation comes from within. Focus on accepting and loving yourself as you are rather than depending on others to fill the gaps. Confidence rooted in self-acceptance is unshakable.
Transforming the Relationship with Yourself
Self-awareness regarding these unhealthy attitudes and patterns is taking the first step in healing a toxic relationship with yourself. Be gentle with yourself in the process. Learning new ways of relating to yourself takes time and consistency. Working with a mind-shift coach, a professional who can help transform those negative thought patterns and beliefs, can be beneficial in overcoming deeply entrenched negative self-perceptions. You have worth beyond measure. Treat yourself with the kindness, empathy and support you would offer to a good friend. Keep in mind the advice of Louise Hay: “The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate.” When you have a healthy, loving relationship with yourself, you are happier, more confident and better equipped to create fulfilling relationships with others. Don’t settle for less than you deserve. You can transform toxic patterns into life-affirming ones, empowering you to take control of your happiness and well-being.