I have a memory of receiving a glowing performance review at work, yet instead of celebrating, I found myself second-guessing my own capabilities. It puzzled me that, despite external validation, I still doubted my worth and felt inadequate. This sensation of not measuring up is more common than we acknowledge, and it often leaves us feeling isolated.
You show up, fulfil your responsibilities, and do well.
Even so, you might still feel like you’re not enough. This feeling is common even among high achievers and does not mean you’ve failed. About 70% of people experience imposter syndrome at least once, underscoring how widespread these doubts are. Recognising this can help you feel less alone and more understood.
If this sounds familiar, it doesn’t mean you’re a failure, and it often doesn’t reflect reality.
The feeling of not being good enough often runs deep and doesn’t just start in adulthood.
Many women think this feeling comes from something they’re doing wrong right now.
In reality, the feeling of being “less than” often starts much earlier in life, not just from what you do today.
Think back to the first time you felt judged or criticised? Maybe a report card from school caused you to see your parents disappointed in you, or you remember a teacher’s comment that made you feel small. I remember an aunt saying about me when I was 8, she shouldn’t be wearing a bikini, which made me feel fat, and therefore a life of diets started. These times taught you it was safer to stay quiet and not stand out. You learnt that you worried about upsetting others and regularly felt compared, dismissed, or misunderstood. You learned to act like the good girl or do what you thought others wanted, instead of learning who you truly were.
Your body remembers those moments as feelings and habits, not words, and this shapes how safe it feels to be yourself.
Why Success Doesn’t Fix Self-Worth
You work hard and succeed, but somehow that bloody sneaky feeling of not being good enough still rears its ugly head. The feeling of self-worth isn’t logical; it’s connected to how your body feels safe and valued. Success can change how others see you, but it doesn’t always bring inner security. If your worth felt conditional when you were growing up, outside praise won’t easily change how you feel inside.
Organisational psychologist Shuya Chen points out that while success can bring approval from others, it doesn’t always meet your basic psychological needs or give you lasting inner security. If you learned early on that love, safety, or belonging depended on certain things, no amount of adult success can easily change that. But healing is possible. With support and self-compassion, you can start to handle these deep beliefs and begin to shift them. It may not happen overnight, but just knowing that change is achievable can give you hope as you move forward.
When you don’t feel safe, your body stays on alert, always watching for what might go wrong next.
How Self-Attack Keeps You Stuck
I have discovered that women respond to these feelings by working even harder or being more critical of themselves. What you can do is, instead of pushing through with self-discipline or trying to fix what you think is wrong, pause and ask yourself what you really need at that time. What if you explored these feelings with kindness and interest instead of criticism? Shifting from self-discipline to self-inquiry can help you make gentler choices.
When you criticise yourself, your body gets the message that something is wrong.
When you feel threatened, your body stays tense and tries to protect you.
This is often when habits like emotional eating, over-giving, over-thinking, or numbing show up. These coping patterns once helped you get through tough times, and knowing their origins can help you feel less ashamed of them.
These are not character flaws.
There are ways of coping with feeling unsafe inside.
The Quiet Link Between Self-Worth and Food
For many women, food can feel like a friend when self-worth is low.
It’s not always about hunger. Eating can soften emotional pain, bring comfort, and relieve self-criticism.
Society frequently pressures women to fit certain physical ideals, making the link between eating and self-esteem even more complicated. Recognising these cultural pressures can help you understand why food sometimes feels like more than nourishment, and shows how closely body image and self-worth are connected, especially for women.
When you feel good about yourself, you don’t need food to fill any emptiness. But when you don’t, substances like booze, food or other substitutes can become the way you have learnt to deal with the pain. When you truly have self-worth, you can choose a different action.
Why Comparison Makes It Worse
Comparison isn’t just a mindset issue.
It’s actually a response from your body.
When you already feel “less than,” your mind looks for proof. Social media, work, and family can all strengthen this cycle. You might notice your chest tightening or your heart beating fast when you compare yourself to others. Noticing these physical signs can help you become more self-aware, so you can pause and redirect your mind before they spiral out of control.
Each comparison reinforces the story you tell yourself:
They’re doing better.
They’re more confident.
They’re enough.
And the gap feels even wider.
What Actually Helps Rebuild Self-Worth
True self-worth comes from within and from understanding that past hurts do not define you. It does not come from surface fixes like affirmations or positive thinking, but from addressing deeper feelings about yourself.
You can practice tolerating emotions by naming them out loud, staying present by taking three deep breaths, trusting your instincts by asking what feels right, responding to life by noticing your body sensations, and feeling safe being seen by making eye contact with someone supportive.
This is about reconnecting with who you are beneath old coping strategies, not about becoming someone else. It’s about discovering the real you that’s always been there.
Try to see ‘not good enough’ as a signal, not a fact.
See these feelings for what they are, just younger parts of yourself looking for protection. This change can help you start a kinder inner dialogue, moving from trying to fix yourself to building a better relationship with yourself. Accepting these parts with understanding and compassion will strengthen your inner world.
That persistent feeling isn’t a flaw in you.
It’s a sign that some parts of you learned to stay small, quiet, or try to please others to feel safe or fit in. Those parts need safety, kindness, and support and learn a new way forward. If trying to show your worth has left you feeling tired and alone, there is a way. Through our Be Seen, Be Heard, Be YOU program, women like Sarah have found ways to reconnect with their authentic selves and rediscover their inner value. This transformation is fast, real and lasting. The program provides 1:1 support to help women reconnect with who they truly are, nurture self-worth from within, and move forward with greater confidence.
This is something to do for yourself, not so you can look more confident to others, but to actually feel steady, worthy, and safe within yourself.
A in-the-moment trick that might help is to think of a two-word anchor you could repeat when mistrust comes up, and be sure to combine it with a really good feeling and an action, like clapping your hands. Self-worth is built from within.
I can assure you from experience that it is a great feeling to know you are worthy and more than enough, because you will finally stop fighting against yourself, and things start to fall into place easily. Imagine getting up and enjoying your breakfast without that usual knot in your stomach. Even though the sun does not shine brightly every day, you have peace and possibility in every moment. This sense of ease becomes real as you embrace your worth and find comfort in who you are each day.